Jul 25, 2009

Blood-sucking insects

I quickly answered the phone.  I wanted to give these people a piece of my mind.  The Caller ID was familiar and I wanted get angry with them.  I answered the phone.

“Hello”, I said
“Is Jennifer Hook home?”
“No, may I ask who’s calling?”
“We’ll call back, thank you” and they quickly hung up the phone.  I stood there holding the receiver fuming.  I guess I’ll have to wait another day.

Telemarketers.  They sit somewhere between mosquitoes and Madonna on my “Things I dislike” list.

You can place your name on a national “do not call” registry and this will substantially reduce your telemarketing calls.  Simply go to “www.donotcall.gov” and register.  But some calls, miraculously, get through.  

Last year, it was people trying to sell me a used car warranty.  After saying “no, we’re not interested” about 5,234 times, I tried to think of a clever way to get back at these people.  I figured telemarketers are paid per call.  So, if I could waste their time, I would get them where it really hurts…  their phone call quota.  At the time I had a 1986 Plymouth Voyager with 200,000 miles on it.  Maybe I could spend an hour on the phone trying to negotiate a warranty.  

“What kind of car is it?” the guy asked.
“It’s a 1996 Plymouth Voyager”, I responded.
Click.  They hung up without another word.  That didn’t work.

Of course Tom Mabe is the real expert at getting back at Telemarketers.  He is a comedian and whenever he receives a telemarketing call, he leads them on a bit.  In one funny clip he pretended he was a detective and the telemarketer had called a crime scene.  Tom then tried to implicate the telemarketer in the murder.  Funny stuff.  At least it’s better than Charles Papunfus.  As I write this he is spending time in the St. Louis County Jail with a $45K bond for going postal on a telemarketer.  He threatened to burn up their building and hunt them down and kill them.  Even though the jury would probably be sympathetic, this isn’t a recommended approach.

But don’t lose hope.  The Bible doesn’t say so, but I believe that there will be no telemarketing in Heaven.  I believe that when Jesus hung on the cross and breathed His last, it was to deliver us from all blood-sucking insects.  That includes telemarketers.


Pastor David Hook

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